Help Wanted: This reporting position at the Washington Post requires a high metabolism. No, not as a food critic.

Pastrami a go-go and Other Rye Tales #33

The Washington Post seeks a skilled, energetic reporter to join the Inspired Life team as a staff writer. . . This role requires someone with a fast metabolism, excellent news judgement and exceptional interviewing skills. . . Inspired Life is part of WP Ventures, a startup within The Post, so we are looking for a nimble journalist with an appetite for experimentation and trying new formats, including newsletters, social video and audio experimentation.

Illustration by the brilliant Angela Smyth whose work can be found on Instagram and Facebook under Angela Smyth artist.

I’ve read many help wanted ads over my lifetime and this is the first time that metabolism has been noted as a requirement. Energetic still pops up and those of a certain vintage know what this means: Don’t bother applying because the clothing you wore in your thirties is back in style again. But you’re not.

Does one need to get a doctor's note in order to prove their rate of metabolism to be employed by the Washington Post? There are always meds (legal or not) to get one moving.

I once wrote to an editor at a niche sports publication which posted an ad for “an eager young journalist.”

“Young is relative and as someone over 40, I certainly consider myself young and always eager to collect new stories and ideas and to use my wisdom and experience to bring unique, meaningful stories to readers. . . If you are defining young as someone under 30, then you have you eliminated a large swath of candidates with experience, wisdom, and maturity. And to quote the late, great Satchel Paige: "Age is a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it don't matter."

I went on to write “Most importantly, defining age as in "young" is in violation of federal, state, and city guidelines, including the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission and the NYC Commission on Human Rights. Any reference to age, particularly the word young, is strictly prohibited as it pertains to employment. This could leave you, the publication, and (name of owner removed here) open to lawsuits and unwanted negative publicity.

This may have been an oversight. However, it does reflect negatively and insensitively on the part of the publication and its partners and Mr. X’s new endeavors. I hope that you'll give this some thought because as Muhammad Ali once said, "Age is whatever you think it is." However, the playing field is far different when someone else seeks to define that for you or eliminates an opportunity simply because of what they think young should be.”

The editor wrote back to say that the wording had been revised and admitted that it was sloppy. Within his apology, he said that we “millenials” should stick together, which we did for a short time via email. He’s still around. So am I.

I wrote to Human Resources at the Washington Post as I praised myself for being nimble enough to pick up a pencil that fell onto the floor without leaving my chair. Surely, he would clear things upp.

I'm calling you (by your first name) because we're around the same age, I would guess, and I don't pull any punches.

So I read with interest a job opening sent out by my alma mater, Columbia Journalism School, about your search for an Inspired Life Reporter. The qualifications puzzle me and so I am inspired to inquire about the language.

An energetic person with a fast metabolism is required. I'm up with the trends but does fast metabolism require a note from my primary care physician? I can move faster than most 12 year olds sugared up on junk food but warning: A steady supply of Diet Coke moves me even faster. Someone with a faster metabolism burns lots of calories, even when they are not moving. My creative cylinders are working on full blast but unfortunately, the scale doesn't record this.

Someone with a fast metabolism is generally (but not always) linked to someone thin or muscular. Is weight a requirement for this position? I am not a threat to a younger Arnold Schwarzenegger but I can carry my laptop and a can of the aforementioned Diet Coke with ease. I haven't been to a gym in years but does traveling around the NYC transit system daily and fending off potential incidents and people, climbing countless stairs, and swinging from the metal bar on the bus while holding on for dear life count for anything?

During a time when my metabolism was higher.

My metabolism is, well, none of your business.

And energetic, as most of us seasoned journalists and others in the hiring arena know, is a code word for young.

(First name here). I am smart enough to know what these words mean. The older folks like me know when we're relegated to the scrap heap of discarded pencils. But many of us are still working, as I am, with energy, integrity, and history. Humanity and kindness, if you indeed value this, are nurtured and developed over time.

Could you explain the wording in your job posting?

Kicking up my heels and waiting for a response. So far, I haven’t heard back. Must be his metabolism.

Getting the heart rate up after running through the local fire hydrant spray.